Whatta Rush!!!

As we travel through the Fjords of Milford Sound in New Zealand, I’m taken back by the breathtaking views of low set clouds running across the mountain tops and dolphins swimming alongside the ship. In the distance the passengers gasp at their first sighting of a whale.

New Zealand truly has to be one of the most beautiful countries in the world.

Many of the ports we visit remind me of the great time’s I had here as a student with Chris & Dave. I relive the times of old including when we did the second highest bungee jump in the world down in Queenstown. 

I remember vividly how I screamed like a girl for the first few seconds until I was travelling so fast I couldn’t make a sound, as the air was entering my mouth as fast as I was trying to expel it! I also remember how it was raining on the day and the raindrops were travelling upwards... Completely surreal!!!

However, it’s been nearly eight long years since that amazing day and I wondered whether it was time to reset the adrenaline clock.  Just at that moment Darian walks through the door...

“Hey! I’ve signed us up for a Skydive in Bay of Islands, you in?!”

“HELL YEAH!!!”

The two days leading up to the skydive, I’m surprising calm and collected about the whole thing.

One the day, I’m desperate for clouds in the sky and hailing winds, in the hope that somehow it might be cancelled...

Brown trousers at the ready, I walk up to the counter and sign my life away, essentially covering the company against ANY eventually. 

“You may shit yourself and end up on YouTube”

“You may get attacked by seagulls”

When I see the plane which consists of 90% cardboard and sticky tape, I start to feel the beginning of chest pain and palpitations.

Within a couple of minutes we’re thousands of feet in the air. After about 15 minutes I hear the dreaded words, “Right we’re at 12000 feet, ready?”

The door swings open and like a true English Gentleman I tell Darian “Lady’s first!”

Within the blink of an eye, one moment she’s there on the edge of the platform and then the next moment... She’s gone!!!

As the chest pain starts to run down my left arm I feel myself being pushed towards the platform edge!!! 

3...2...1... OHHH SHITTTTTTTT!!!!!!

Within seconds my cheeks become earmuffs!!!

The shear force of the wind hitting my face paralyses my screams like it did during the bungee jump. My arms and legs flap around aimlessly, and I feel truly helpless during the whole process.

After 30 seconds of free fall, the parachute finally opens and my heart races even faster as I fall into my harness and hold on for dear life, just in case I slip through...

We parachute directly into a cloud... I’d always wanted to know what a cloud tastes like... Turns out it tastes like fog.

Five minutes later I execute a perfect landing and find the closest bush to vomit into!

Darian lands shortly after, and I quickly run over to congratulate her on her silver medal!

“Hey! Even jumping out before me I still beat you to the bottom!”

“Well of course you did. You’re fatter than I am”

Haha, Poor thing. She doesn’t know the difference between fat and muscle. 

I decide to give her a big one armed hug around the neck.

On the way back to the ship the adrenaline rush leaves us both feeling exhausted. 

Evening clinic could’ve have taken any longer.

But hey, at least I can finally say I’ve done a skydive when asked... Awesome experience!!!

A very late blog post!!!

We’re currently on our way around Fiji, Vanuatu and New Caledonia for the last time before we start our regular tour around NZ.

This is the last cruise to get in some solid tanning action and naturally all the crew are looking to Bronze up before NZ. Only yesterday I found myself dad running opposite an Italian Engineer towards the final sun lounger. Inching his way ahead, my prayers are answered when he takes a tumble over his flip flop and I run on to claim my prize in the Sun. Take that Italy!!!

I went Snorkling in Lifou a few days ago. Interesting reefs and colourful fish elegantly swam through the water.  It would’ve probably been really relaxing if my snorkel worked and not forced me to drink half the Ocean!!!

Next stop was Dravuni Island. Up at 6am loading the tender boat with medical supplies to set up medical camp on the beach before passengers left the ship... Why do old people get up so early!!!

An absolutely scorching hot day, I’m provided with a table and chair in the shade. As I read my book I become increasingly aware that more and more people mistake me for the shore excursion guide. 

“What is there to do on the Island?”

“Well there’s sand you can lie on, and there’s seawater you can swim in”

“What do I do if I see a Jellyfish?”

“Pick it up and give it a hug”

“Do they accept Fijian Dollars?”

“Well this is Fiji, so probably yes”

“Do they accept Canadian Dollars?

“Well this is Fiji, so probably no”

“What’s that Oxygen Cylinder for?”

“To hit people on the head when they ask stupid questions”

Afternoon clinic and the waiting room has more lobsters than a seafood restaurant. Applications of sunburn cream are shortly followed by screams.  I’m sure to greet them all with a big cheesy smile and firm, friendly slap on the back. I’m secretly hoping for employee of the month...

The final stop is Noumea, capital of New Caledonia. Not sure what there is to do yet, but I know there’s a beach so I’m sure our lobster’s will be happy about that.

Christmas Trees, Festive Cheer, and ‘Happy Holidays’ are becoming evident on the ship. Darian’s turned her room into a winter wonderland & got us peppermint shnaps and hot chocolate, mmm. 

I’m now in the difficult situation of trying to figure out what to buy her for Christmas and any man knows how impossible it is to buy gifts for women. After hours on the internet looking for inspiration and getting nowhere, I find the medical team who have had the fantastic idea of doing secret santa, Yeay!!!

 Shame their all bloody women too!!!

A New Cruise, A New Crowd!

After completing our four week cruise of Australia, we are now getting ready to set sail for the Fijian Islands and French Polynesia. 

As old passengers disembark the ship, the gears are set in motion to clean rooms, re-stock ship supplies, and arrange the new entertainment programme.  

The new passengers arrive. 

These ones don’t have walking sticks and hearing aids.  When they’re asked how they’d like their steak prepared, they don’t say “blended”. 

Oh yes, these passengers are much younger than I’ve been accustomed to. They’ve also brought their little joeys with them. 

A quick walk across the top deck witnesses lots of children running barefoot across wet floors and mile-long queues at the ice-cream parlour.

Sure enough, for the next two weeks my clinic sees pneumonia and angina exchanged for broken ankles and severe cases of brain freeze.

Alder hey prepared me well for this cruise. However, I challenge anyone to tell an 8 year old girl whose broken her ankle that she can’t go swimming with her plaster cast on... My ears bled with the screams!!!

One of our first stops on the cruise was to Dravuni Island. A small Fijian island with no medical facilities, and whose local population live primarily off coconuts and locally caught white fish.

I’m up at six o’clock in the morning throwing medical supplies and resuscitation equipment in the tender boat to be taken across to the island so that we can create a shoreside medical party and provide medical advice and treatment in case of beach emergencies... cuts, scrapes and jellyfish stings.

Nine hours and ten coconuts later we finally pack up camp and head back to the ship.

The stress of lemming-like children and acute coconut poisoning leave’s me in desperate need of spa treatment.

I speak to Ryan in the spa who sorts me out with my first ever acupuncture experience.

15 minutes later I’m sleeping in a darkened room with needles hanging out of my wrists, ankles and one between my eyes.  Incredible Experience!!!!

The rest of the cruise passes by pretty quickly with no major problems. 

However now on our way around New Zealand I can’t help but think I should have sacrificed a few more T-shirts for jumpers...

The Dark Side.

I’ve been on-call since early yesterday morning. The clinics have been long and cumbersome, patients have arrived after hours with a flurry of different medical complaints, and without fail the bleep goes off in the night with Breathless Patients who have less Lung Volume than a Chiwawa!!!

By the late evening I’m dead to the world, but coerced (as usual) to go to the Crew Disco where there’s Bingo, Horse Racing and Dancing running into the early hours...

By 1am I make a graceful departure. There’s absolutely nothing at this point that’s going to stop me going to bed!  As I walk back to my cabin I’m reminded by the fact that in 7 hours I finish my 48 hour on-call spell & I secretly hope for a peaceful resolution to tonight...

Sat on my bed, my trousers hit my ankles when the bleep goes off, “Hi Ryan, sorry mate but can you quickly come up to Dolphin Deck. Ooh and bring the Stryker Trolley and Oxygen with you...”

When I enter the room, with matchsticks keeping my eyes open and a Red Bull in my hand, nothing can wake me up more than the site witnessed before me...

A 70 year old woman tripods over the edge of the bed trying to sucking in as much air as she can muster & looking as White as my Uniform.  She's staring at me with a look of ‘Impending Doom’, and she's without a doubt one of the sickest patient I've seen!

The Stryker Trolley doesn’t fit into the awkwardly laid out cabin, and with time against us I tell Simon tell help me Bundle her into a Wheelchair and run her downstairs where we can actually do something!!! Meanwhile I tell her very anxious-looking husband to collect all of her medications and meet us down in the medical centre.

Straight into the ICU bed, Simon runs through 15 Litres of Oxygen, and sticks on the Cardiac Monitor while I get to work establishing an Intravenous Access to give her Drugs and Fluids... But I know deep down what she needs is Blood, and she needs it now!!!

I tell Simon to call out a Code Alpha and get the whole team here now. After speaking to the Captain up on the Bridge an Announcement goes up across the Ship, “Attention Passengers, this is an Urgent Announcement. We have a Medical Emergency onboard the Ship. Can Passengers who are Blood Group O Negative who are willing to donate blood please head down to the Medical Centre as soon as possible. Thank You.”

My Patient’s Heart Rate is 120 beats/minute & she’s breathing hard. I try my best to reassure her that she’ll feel better after a blood transfusion however all she keeps saying is, “Oh I’m not well, I’m Really Not Well!!!...”, and the look on her husbands face is of no comfort to me...

Five passengers come down and the team goes into autopilot mode with two nurses doing the initial screening questions, one nurse doing the HIV and Hep B testing and Me & Lennie taking pints of blood from the donors.

As my donor runs off her donation I walk across the Nurses station to see how everyone else is getting on...

I notice the cardiac monitor is reading a Heart Rate of 50 beats/minute. Shit! I run in and she Arrests in front of me. I shout for the team and we get to work with CPR for a couple of Cycles. We get her heart beating only for it to stop once again. I intubate her while the Senior Nurse hooks up an Adrenaline Infusion and Lennie runs through the Donated Blood ASAP. 

After a total of 3 Cardiac Arrests we finally have her stable.  I speak to her husband who say’s she’s been unwell for a while, but is still clearly upset when I explain her poor prognosis and tell him to hope for the best, but to prepare for the worst.

Me and Simon are up all night watching a Cardiac Monitor. The others go back to bed. We’ve still got Clinic in the morning. After 5 Pints of Blood, Simon runs a Haemoglobin Check through the machine... She comes back as 3.3g/dL (Normal Range for a woman 12-14)

At 11am the Ambulance finally turns up to take our intubated patient and her husband to the nearest hospital with an ICU bed. The team go up to Horizon Court for a well deserved Full English Breakfast and to reflect on our hard efforts.  

After being awake for 28 hours straight I finally head to bed to catch a few hours sleep before starting my afternoon clinic at 4:30pm.  Turns out this job has it’s Dark Side after all!!!

Crazy Times!!!

After an overrun busy morning clinic I quickly get changed into shorts and a T-shirt and head out to explore Bali, Indonesia. Unfortunately the nearest beach is found to be over 30 min taxi ride away and I’ve only got two hours to explore, so instead I decide to hang close and explore the local market stalls. 

As soon as I leave the security desk I’m bombarded by locals whose prime occupation is to harass dumb-ass tourists.

“Where you go? You want taxi?”

“No thanks”

“Taxi?”

“No”

“You want CDs?”

“No!”

“You want Sorrong?”

“NO!!!”

“You want Wooden Model Bike?”

“WHAT?! NO!!!!!”

“You want Wallet that Catches Fire?”

“NOOOOOO F*** OFF!!!!!!!!!! ..... Wait... What? Ooh okay!!!”

Asking price 200000 Rupees. Agreed Price 50000 Rupees. Clearly his mum never told him Never to Haggle with a Persian!!!

It’s National Geriatric Day in Clinic the next morning.  Hordes of Blue Rinses stream through the door looking for a cocktail of Amoxicillin, Paracetamol & Sudafed.

The Medical Team springs into action in a conveyer belt fashion to try and clear the Clinic as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, hidden amongst the Coughs & Colds we find a Life-Threatening COPD Exacerbation and two Severe Pneumonias all requiring admission.

The Medical Centre only has a capacity of 4 inpatient beds for these kind of conditions. Three Down, One to Go!!! 

After an extremely busy day I ask Lennie if he wouldn’t mind me quickly going up for my appointment in the Spa at 7pm. “Yeah, No worries Ryan, I think we’ll manage down here”

Hmmm... A Relaxing Scalp Massage followed by a Haircut. Just what I need after such a Stressful day... I drift off with the peaceful music & general pampering... Aaaah...

 ........... **BEEP BEEP BEEP! CODE ALPHA CODE ALPHA, ALOHA 114!!!**

Half way through my HAIRCUT!!! You gotta be kidding me?!

I start running to the medical emergency with my Mohican and Hairdressing Sheet blowing behind me in the wind looking like a Retarded Superhero.

I arrive at the scene to find an Elderly Gentleman, Blue in the Face, Frothing at the Mouth, having a Myoclonic Seizure. The Oxygen and IV Drugs arrive a short time later and as soon as the stretcher party arrives we get him down the the Medical Bay for further Monitoring and Assessment...

That’s it... No more room at the Inn. Our Senior Nurse with over 10 years experience says that in all her time working on the ships the maximum number of inpatients she’s ever had is Five.

As soon as she said it, a rather blue looking gentleman walks through the door wheezing from across the corridor in desperate need of attention... and maybe a little bit of Oxygen.

Well with no beds available we have no other choice decide to send him back to his cabin with a (Very Large) Portable Oxygen Concentrator.

Phew. What a Day!!!

The Next Morning we arrive in Fremantle and after a Stormy Night with Five Critically Ill Patients a Wave of Euphoria washes over all of us as one by one the Paramedics Disembark all our Patients to the nearest Local Hospital. (High Fives all round!!!)

A Few Celebratory Margaritas in the Wardie that Night... Just what the Doctor Ordered!!!

Hard Work Reveals Itself!!!

We have now finished our tour of the French Polynesian Islands and are now heading around the East Coast of Australia starting in Sydney and heading up towards Brisbane. 

Brisbane was a bit of a let down seeing our day consisted of a two hour lunch under a Gazebo during a Monsoon shower! 

Seeing a few of the guys have had a quiet word in my ear about 'always' wearing my Uniform to the Officer's Mess while everyone else wears jeans and a T-shirt, I decided to go out shopping for Ozzy clothes...

The Australian Dollar is not quite how I remembered it... 

$100 Jeans + £2.50 Card Charge + Half Persian Tightass = No Sale!!!

After coming back empty handed and being spotted in the Princess Cruises Merchandise Shop fingering through the polo shirts I have been warned about a possible unscheduled ‘Man Overboard Drill’ if I’m ever caught wearing one. Tough Love.

After Brisbane we headed up to Airlie Beach which was absolutely beautiful looking out from my port hole. “What do you mean I’m on call and have to work?!” 

So Erin is off Sky Diving, Simon and Natasha are bronzing on the beach over cocktails, and I’m having a very long conversation with a very deaf, alzheimer-ridden patient...

Patient: “I can’t poo”

Me: “I’m afraid you’re constipated”

Patient: “What??”

Me: “YOUR CONSTIPATED!”

Patient: “Is it Serious???”

Me: .... “Err No”

Patient: “Are you Sure?”

Me: “Yes. You can’t die of Constipation”

Me: I’m going to give you a Laxative that will help you go, make sure you drink plenty of water”

Patient: “Here you go” (Passes me a bottle of water)

Me: “NO YOU! YOU DRINK THE WATER!!!”

Patient: “Ooh, will I need an operation?”

Me: (Sigh) (“You will if you don’t leave the Clinic!!!”)

When everyone returns we all decide to head out to the Captain's Welcome Aboard Extravaganza.  A formal evening cavorting with the guests over a cold glass of bubbly while the Maitre’d pours a Champagne Waterfall and the Cruise Director introduces all the Senior Officers and the Captain gives a well rehearsed speech about how lovely everyone looks... Thank you Captain, I must say this outfit is rather fetching.

After a couple of drinks in the ‘Wardie’ (Not ‘Woodie' as mentioned in the first blog) I decide to head to bed for some well needed rest.

Next Morning:

Lennie (New Senior Doc): “Ryan can I get your opinion on something?”

Me: “Yeah sure what is it?”

Lennie: “I’ve got an 76 year old lady who bumped her head in the shower last night. She wasn’t knocked out and she’s had no vomiting overnight. She say’s she woke up this morning with a moderate headache but that’s it. Neurological Examination is grossly normal and she looks perfectly well. She doesn’t fit the NICE guidelines for an Urgent CT head necessarily but I’m concerned.”

“We’ve only got an hour left in Port. She’s got no insurance and she’ll miss the ship is she goes for a scan.  However if we chance it and we’re wrong, we’re at sea for three days until the next port.”

Do we:

1. Get her off the ship for an Urgent CT scan and finish her Cruise with no Holiday Insurance.
2. Keep her onboard in the medical bay for a period of observation and arrange an Emergency Disembark if on the off chance she deteriorates.
3. Phone Dr House...

Answers on the Blog Please... 

A New Week, A New Team

I finally start to come to grasps with the endless e-mails, paperwork and correct filling of patient records. Things in the clinic are starting to make a little more sense. My Mastery of Coughs and Colds, and D&V at Alder hey has served me well during my initial days at sea.

This new found confidence allows me to spend some time enjoying the finer things this ship has to offer. A swim in the pool after morning clinic, or perhaps reading over coffee in one of the numerous cafes. In the evenings I can enjoy a show or socialise in the Officers Mess over a beer or two. After befriending the Chief Engineer and learning about the mechanical and technical aspects of the ship, I feel a wave of euphoria that I'm finally forced to talk to people about topics outside of Medicine... It feels good!!!

Just as I feel I've got this job figured out, I get paged whilst trying to burn off my feast of delights earlier in the day... hmm, about 10 hours on the Treadmill with a Midget on my back might do it!!!

"Hi Ryan get changed and come down to the Medical Bay. QUICKLY!"

One hobo shower later.

Me "Hey. What's going on?"
Nurse "I've got a 16 year old Manic Depressive who says she's going to jump overboard."
Me ".... Okay"
Nurse "She's with Security, they're in the Isolation Room"
Me "Is this usual?!"
Nurse "It happens. Occasionally."
Me "So we've got to Section her ... Under some kind of Section in the Mental Health Act!?"
Nurse "Which one?"
Me "I don't Bloody Know?! The Sea one!!! CAROL!!!"

A reassuring knod, an empathising tone and 20mg Diazepam later she's asleep and we're in the process of filling out 2 hours worth of paperwork to disembark this young girl and her family off the ship.

The very next day, with all my new found confidence now gone, Carol, Rael and Gena are now leaving the ship to enjoy some some Rugby World Cup Action in Auckland. It's only been 10 days yet somehow it feels like longer and we're all sad to see the end of this little venture. Rael let's me know before he leaves that if I fancy a bit of Helicopter Retrieval Medicine in SA just give him a call. An offer I'm very seriously contemplating.

Adios Maestro's you will be missed!!!

We have recently left Brisbane and are on our way the Airlie Beach. At the moment I am currently managing a Hypoglycaemic Coma who's rudely delaying me from attending the Captain's Welcome Aboard Party with a Champagne Waterfall!!! Hurry Up Liquid Sugar! Work your Magic!!!

I hope all is well with you guys back home, my Apologies for the Lack of Pictures. Rest assured they are on there way.

Ciao. Officer Ghodrat.

Officer Ghodrat's Log 0.01

Day 1
After a grueling 36 hour mammoth flight to Tahiti, I found myself in Paradise but too knackered to appreciate it. Rather than crawl into bed I force myself to explore the island, which includes golden sands, turqouise oceans, gay looking cocktails, grass skirts and Fat Men with Ukuleles!!! After meeting a few new joiners from SA and Portugal for a few cheeky ones, I finally decide to hit the hay, excited about joining the ship tomorrow.

Day 2
I don't sleep a wink and I'm catatonic the next morning. The SAs help bundle me into the back of the minibus and we set off the the ship! It's Enormous!!! After a quick security check, a few signatures and luggage dump I'm quickly introduced the the Medical Team. 30 mins later we're having a beer in the officer's bar... Turns out I've got an 8 day handover from Rael the Old Baby Doc. Get in!!!

Day 3
Morning. Sooo much paperwork!!! Sooo Little Sleep!!! But hey Rael knows what to do!!!
Evening. Is the Ship just rocking or am I Shit-Faced?!

Day 4
Welcome aboard! Shortly after leaving Apia, W Samoa. Well. Whats this?! You're feeling short of breath madam? You feel like you're going to faint? What do you mean you see a light?!!?!?!
Errr Nurse can I get an ECG ... Errrrr Nurse get the pacing paddles... Quickly please!!! Errrrrrr Shit! Shit Shit Shit!!! Nurse... Doctor... Mum!!! Okay Ryan just breath... Okay Patient just breath!!!
"Hello Captain how are you? Hmm can you stop the boat please? Thank you Sir!!!

After Rael hears the pilot boat has arrived to extradite the patient back to Apia. He says "Ryan (shakes my hand), Welcome Aboard! Here's the bleep and the keys! I'll see you in 3 days when you get to Auckland. Go and get your Uniform. Schools out." AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After having a seizure in the corner of the medical bay, I decide a well earned drink is deserved with the rest of the Medical Team, Carol, Erin, Gena, Natasha and Simon. Wow what a day!!! 'Wait it's not over yet Ryan, let's go to Woody's Bar and meet some of the Crew.

"Hi, I'm Ryan and I'm new here, whats your names?"
"Hi I'm Brandi I'm one of the Dancers."
"Hi I'm Jen, I'm one of the massage therapists."
"Hi I'm Beuala, I'm one of the Beauticians."
"Hi I'm Lisa and I'm the Choreographer."

............. I have another seizure in the corner of the room.

Day 5
First Day alone in Morning Clinic. A&E trained.
First patient: "Hi Doc I's like to start the pill please"
Me: ..................... "Okay, just bear with me. CAROL!"

Second Patient: "Hello Doctor, I need a part 2 root canal organised for my dental infection."
Me: ..................... "Okay, just bear with me. CAROL!!"

Third Patient: "Good morning Doctor, I've had diarrhoea and vomiting for the last 3 hours and my 3 cabin roommates are wandering whether to stay in the bay. What should they do?"
Me: ..................... "(Sigh) Okay, just bear with me. CAROL!!!"

Fourth Patient: "Good morning Doctor, I've had a cold now for 2 days"
Me: "(YES!) OF COURSE, NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM. LET ME SEE NOW... AHH HERE'S SOME PARACETAMOL. HAVE A NICE DAY!!!"
Fourth Patient: "Oh Doctor, I work in the Spa and I'm not sure if it's okay to be treating passengers in case I cough and one complains. What should I do?"
Me: ......................"Ah Bollocks!.... CAROL!!!!"

Now just sorting my emails and then getting a quick coffee before it all happens again in half an hour....Wish Me Luck!!!

Officer Ghodrat

Pilot Blog

Trying my hand at my first blog prior to leaving the UK.