Crazy Times!!!

After an overrun busy morning clinic I quickly get changed into shorts and a T-shirt and head out to explore Bali, Indonesia. Unfortunately the nearest beach is found to be over 30 min taxi ride away and I’ve only got two hours to explore, so instead I decide to hang close and explore the local market stalls. 

As soon as I leave the security desk I’m bombarded by locals whose prime occupation is to harass dumb-ass tourists.

“Where you go? You want taxi?”

“No thanks”

“Taxi?”

“No”

“You want CDs?”

“No!”

“You want Sorrong?”

“NO!!!”

“You want Wooden Model Bike?”

“WHAT?! NO!!!!!”

“You want Wallet that Catches Fire?”

“NOOOOOO F*** OFF!!!!!!!!!! ..... Wait... What? Ooh okay!!!”

Asking price 200000 Rupees. Agreed Price 50000 Rupees. Clearly his mum never told him Never to Haggle with a Persian!!!

It’s National Geriatric Day in Clinic the next morning.  Hordes of Blue Rinses stream through the door looking for a cocktail of Amoxicillin, Paracetamol & Sudafed.

The Medical Team springs into action in a conveyer belt fashion to try and clear the Clinic as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, hidden amongst the Coughs & Colds we find a Life-Threatening COPD Exacerbation and two Severe Pneumonias all requiring admission.

The Medical Centre only has a capacity of 4 inpatient beds for these kind of conditions. Three Down, One to Go!!! 

After an extremely busy day I ask Lennie if he wouldn’t mind me quickly going up for my appointment in the Spa at 7pm. “Yeah, No worries Ryan, I think we’ll manage down here”

Hmmm... A Relaxing Scalp Massage followed by a Haircut. Just what I need after such a Stressful day... I drift off with the peaceful music & general pampering... Aaaah...

 ........... **BEEP BEEP BEEP! CODE ALPHA CODE ALPHA, ALOHA 114!!!**

Half way through my HAIRCUT!!! You gotta be kidding me?!

I start running to the medical emergency with my Mohican and Hairdressing Sheet blowing behind me in the wind looking like a Retarded Superhero.

I arrive at the scene to find an Elderly Gentleman, Blue in the Face, Frothing at the Mouth, having a Myoclonic Seizure. The Oxygen and IV Drugs arrive a short time later and as soon as the stretcher party arrives we get him down the the Medical Bay for further Monitoring and Assessment...

That’s it... No more room at the Inn. Our Senior Nurse with over 10 years experience says that in all her time working on the ships the maximum number of inpatients she’s ever had is Five.

As soon as she said it, a rather blue looking gentleman walks through the door wheezing from across the corridor in desperate need of attention... and maybe a little bit of Oxygen.

Well with no beds available we have no other choice decide to send him back to his cabin with a (Very Large) Portable Oxygen Concentrator.

Phew. What a Day!!!

The Next Morning we arrive in Fremantle and after a Stormy Night with Five Critically Ill Patients a Wave of Euphoria washes over all of us as one by one the Paramedics Disembark all our Patients to the nearest Local Hospital. (High Fives all round!!!)

A Few Celebratory Margaritas in the Wardie that Night... Just what the Doctor Ordered!!!

Hard Work Reveals Itself!!!

We have now finished our tour of the French Polynesian Islands and are now heading around the East Coast of Australia starting in Sydney and heading up towards Brisbane. 

Brisbane was a bit of a let down seeing our day consisted of a two hour lunch under a Gazebo during a Monsoon shower! 

Seeing a few of the guys have had a quiet word in my ear about 'always' wearing my Uniform to the Officer's Mess while everyone else wears jeans and a T-shirt, I decided to go out shopping for Ozzy clothes...

The Australian Dollar is not quite how I remembered it... 

$100 Jeans + £2.50 Card Charge + Half Persian Tightass = No Sale!!!

After coming back empty handed and being spotted in the Princess Cruises Merchandise Shop fingering through the polo shirts I have been warned about a possible unscheduled ‘Man Overboard Drill’ if I’m ever caught wearing one. Tough Love.

After Brisbane we headed up to Airlie Beach which was absolutely beautiful looking out from my port hole. “What do you mean I’m on call and have to work?!” 

So Erin is off Sky Diving, Simon and Natasha are bronzing on the beach over cocktails, and I’m having a very long conversation with a very deaf, alzheimer-ridden patient...

Patient: “I can’t poo”

Me: “I’m afraid you’re constipated”

Patient: “What??”

Me: “YOUR CONSTIPATED!”

Patient: “Is it Serious???”

Me: .... “Err No”

Patient: “Are you Sure?”

Me: “Yes. You can’t die of Constipation”

Me: I’m going to give you a Laxative that will help you go, make sure you drink plenty of water”

Patient: “Here you go” (Passes me a bottle of water)

Me: “NO YOU! YOU DRINK THE WATER!!!”

Patient: “Ooh, will I need an operation?”

Me: (Sigh) (“You will if you don’t leave the Clinic!!!”)

When everyone returns we all decide to head out to the Captain's Welcome Aboard Extravaganza.  A formal evening cavorting with the guests over a cold glass of bubbly while the Maitre’d pours a Champagne Waterfall and the Cruise Director introduces all the Senior Officers and the Captain gives a well rehearsed speech about how lovely everyone looks... Thank you Captain, I must say this outfit is rather fetching.

After a couple of drinks in the ‘Wardie’ (Not ‘Woodie' as mentioned in the first blog) I decide to head to bed for some well needed rest.

Next Morning:

Lennie (New Senior Doc): “Ryan can I get your opinion on something?”

Me: “Yeah sure what is it?”

Lennie: “I’ve got an 76 year old lady who bumped her head in the shower last night. She wasn’t knocked out and she’s had no vomiting overnight. She say’s she woke up this morning with a moderate headache but that’s it. Neurological Examination is grossly normal and she looks perfectly well. She doesn’t fit the NICE guidelines for an Urgent CT head necessarily but I’m concerned.”

“We’ve only got an hour left in Port. She’s got no insurance and she’ll miss the ship is she goes for a scan.  However if we chance it and we’re wrong, we’re at sea for three days until the next port.”

Do we:

1. Get her off the ship for an Urgent CT scan and finish her Cruise with no Holiday Insurance.
2. Keep her onboard in the medical bay for a period of observation and arrange an Emergency Disembark if on the off chance she deteriorates.
3. Phone Dr House...

Answers on the Blog Please... 

A New Week, A New Team

I finally start to come to grasps with the endless e-mails, paperwork and correct filling of patient records. Things in the clinic are starting to make a little more sense. My Mastery of Coughs and Colds, and D&V at Alder hey has served me well during my initial days at sea.

This new found confidence allows me to spend some time enjoying the finer things this ship has to offer. A swim in the pool after morning clinic, or perhaps reading over coffee in one of the numerous cafes. In the evenings I can enjoy a show or socialise in the Officers Mess over a beer or two. After befriending the Chief Engineer and learning about the mechanical and technical aspects of the ship, I feel a wave of euphoria that I'm finally forced to talk to people about topics outside of Medicine... It feels good!!!

Just as I feel I've got this job figured out, I get paged whilst trying to burn off my feast of delights earlier in the day... hmm, about 10 hours on the Treadmill with a Midget on my back might do it!!!

"Hi Ryan get changed and come down to the Medical Bay. QUICKLY!"

One hobo shower later.

Me "Hey. What's going on?"
Nurse "I've got a 16 year old Manic Depressive who says she's going to jump overboard."
Me ".... Okay"
Nurse "She's with Security, they're in the Isolation Room"
Me "Is this usual?!"
Nurse "It happens. Occasionally."
Me "So we've got to Section her ... Under some kind of Section in the Mental Health Act!?"
Nurse "Which one?"
Me "I don't Bloody Know?! The Sea one!!! CAROL!!!"

A reassuring knod, an empathising tone and 20mg Diazepam later she's asleep and we're in the process of filling out 2 hours worth of paperwork to disembark this young girl and her family off the ship.

The very next day, with all my new found confidence now gone, Carol, Rael and Gena are now leaving the ship to enjoy some some Rugby World Cup Action in Auckland. It's only been 10 days yet somehow it feels like longer and we're all sad to see the end of this little venture. Rael let's me know before he leaves that if I fancy a bit of Helicopter Retrieval Medicine in SA just give him a call. An offer I'm very seriously contemplating.

Adios Maestro's you will be missed!!!

We have recently left Brisbane and are on our way the Airlie Beach. At the moment I am currently managing a Hypoglycaemic Coma who's rudely delaying me from attending the Captain's Welcome Aboard Party with a Champagne Waterfall!!! Hurry Up Liquid Sugar! Work your Magic!!!

I hope all is well with you guys back home, my Apologies for the Lack of Pictures. Rest assured they are on there way.

Ciao. Officer Ghodrat.

Officer Ghodrat's Log 0.01

Day 1
After a grueling 36 hour mammoth flight to Tahiti, I found myself in Paradise but too knackered to appreciate it. Rather than crawl into bed I force myself to explore the island, which includes golden sands, turqouise oceans, gay looking cocktails, grass skirts and Fat Men with Ukuleles!!! After meeting a few new joiners from SA and Portugal for a few cheeky ones, I finally decide to hit the hay, excited about joining the ship tomorrow.

Day 2
I don't sleep a wink and I'm catatonic the next morning. The SAs help bundle me into the back of the minibus and we set off the the ship! It's Enormous!!! After a quick security check, a few signatures and luggage dump I'm quickly introduced the the Medical Team. 30 mins later we're having a beer in the officer's bar... Turns out I've got an 8 day handover from Rael the Old Baby Doc. Get in!!!

Day 3
Morning. Sooo much paperwork!!! Sooo Little Sleep!!! But hey Rael knows what to do!!!
Evening. Is the Ship just rocking or am I Shit-Faced?!

Day 4
Welcome aboard! Shortly after leaving Apia, W Samoa. Well. Whats this?! You're feeling short of breath madam? You feel like you're going to faint? What do you mean you see a light?!!?!?!
Errr Nurse can I get an ECG ... Errrrr Nurse get the pacing paddles... Quickly please!!! Errrrrrr Shit! Shit Shit Shit!!! Nurse... Doctor... Mum!!! Okay Ryan just breath... Okay Patient just breath!!!
"Hello Captain how are you? Hmm can you stop the boat please? Thank you Sir!!!

After Rael hears the pilot boat has arrived to extradite the patient back to Apia. He says "Ryan (shakes my hand), Welcome Aboard! Here's the bleep and the keys! I'll see you in 3 days when you get to Auckland. Go and get your Uniform. Schools out." AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After having a seizure in the corner of the medical bay, I decide a well earned drink is deserved with the rest of the Medical Team, Carol, Erin, Gena, Natasha and Simon. Wow what a day!!! 'Wait it's not over yet Ryan, let's go to Woody's Bar and meet some of the Crew.

"Hi, I'm Ryan and I'm new here, whats your names?"
"Hi I'm Brandi I'm one of the Dancers."
"Hi I'm Jen, I'm one of the massage therapists."
"Hi I'm Beuala, I'm one of the Beauticians."
"Hi I'm Lisa and I'm the Choreographer."

............. I have another seizure in the corner of the room.

Day 5
First Day alone in Morning Clinic. A&E trained.
First patient: "Hi Doc I's like to start the pill please"
Me: ..................... "Okay, just bear with me. CAROL!"

Second Patient: "Hello Doctor, I need a part 2 root canal organised for my dental infection."
Me: ..................... "Okay, just bear with me. CAROL!!"

Third Patient: "Good morning Doctor, I've had diarrhoea and vomiting for the last 3 hours and my 3 cabin roommates are wandering whether to stay in the bay. What should they do?"
Me: ..................... "(Sigh) Okay, just bear with me. CAROL!!!"

Fourth Patient: "Good morning Doctor, I've had a cold now for 2 days"
Me: "(YES!) OF COURSE, NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM. LET ME SEE NOW... AHH HERE'S SOME PARACETAMOL. HAVE A NICE DAY!!!"
Fourth Patient: "Oh Doctor, I work in the Spa and I'm not sure if it's okay to be treating passengers in case I cough and one complains. What should I do?"
Me: ......................"Ah Bollocks!.... CAROL!!!!"

Now just sorting my emails and then getting a quick coffee before it all happens again in half an hour....Wish Me Luck!!!

Officer Ghodrat